inside my head
by bibi 13ca
Summary: Damon's thought after he forces Elena to drink his blood and he's reaction to it.


**Hello: **_ So, this story is made in collaboration with another new fan-fiction writer __**lacra13 **__it's more her style than mine, but I hope you like it anyway. The author notes are hers._

**A/n**: This is my first story for this site and my first for Vampire Diaries. I love the show and specially Damon Salvatore. I was happy to see I'm not the only one. This story is from the last episode (20st). It's a peek through Damon's thoughts. Hope I did him justice and really hope that you'd like my little story. Since I'm new at this, your reviews would help me a lot so please do take a minute and leave a few words, they will mean a lot to me! Thank you to my friend (bibi 13ca) for her help and for posting this on under her name as well!

English it's not my maternal language so I apologize for the mistakes.

You can believe you just did that. You regretted it the moment you forced your wrist in her mouth and your blood down her throat. But the regret didn't stop you now did it? You knew it was wrong, because you know her well enough to be certain she didn't want to be…a _monster_. She didn't want a doomed, cursed life…she didn't want to be like you.

Can you blame her? Of course you can't 'you're only the bad things' not that they are really 'good things' about being a soulless creature whose nature is to kill in order to feed. And you knew that…you didn't want this either. Your brother forced it on you, just the way you did with her. You never really forgave him. You said you did, you said it didn't bother you and you said you enjoy being what you are…you enjoy being superior, but are you really? They are the superior ones, they have what you can't have…they are _humans_ and you hate them for it…because you're not. You want to be…more than anything. So how could you do this to her, to _her_ from all people?

But you had to do it. You had to make sure you'll see her again, hear her talk again, feel her presence again. But you're stupid to think you'll have that, Damon. It won't be the same, _she_ won't be the same. She won't be the warm Elena you know and love. She'll be cold…cold as the ground you're standing on right now. She _won't_ have a heartbeat. The heart beat you're secretly listening to because it makes you…feel. The rhythmic ticking sound _won't_ be there when she comes back and it will all be _your_ fault.

She'll _never_ look at you _that_ way again. You'll _never_ read care and understanding in those beautiful brown eyes of hers. She'll look and you and see the one that ruined her life, the one that _condemned_ her to an un-ending path of pain. You'll be the one that took away her soul…and it wasn't yours to take, Damon, you knew that.

Oh, how you regret your decision…

How you hate your impulsive habits…

How you hate yourself right now…even more than usual, because, let's face it, you know you hate yourself. You're _a self-serving psychopath with no redeeming qualities_ so, what's not to hate?

Eternity…such a strong word. To have the person you love the most hate you for all _eternity_ it's long, long time. The question here is, can you handle that Damon? Can you handle having the one person in the whole world that makes you feel human, that brings light in your dark existence and makes your pathetic life worth living, hate you forever? No you can't, you can't _exist_ knowing she'll _never_ forgive you.

You're incapable of functioning without her. You're just a broken machine and she's the one component keeping you from falling apart, from braking to pieces. You can't watch her suffer. You'll do anything for her. You'll be anyone for her. You'll do anything to take her pain away, to make her smile. She has the most amazing smile…it captivates you. And her touch…her touch makes you weak and powerful in the same time. Your body trembles when she's around you. You need her you fool. She is your oxygen….

What will happen when she'll want something you can't possible give it to her. She'll say: Damon, I want to grow old! Damon I want a child of my own! Damon I want to hear my heart beat faster when I'm excited! Can you give her that Damon? No, you can't, you'll never be able to give her that. Do you think she'll thank you for it? No, she won't…she'll blame you for it and hate you for it. And it will kill you, Damon. Losing her _forever_ will most definitely kill you.

You hope you'll die…or you hope she'll live…either way you're doomed, but what can you do?

You decided, you'll do anything, _anything_ to stop the sacrifice from happening. You think about it, you want to talk to someone, _anyone_, because you need an ally, you need someone on your side. You realize no one is on your side…she was…more or less. But you blew that, didn't you? You always do it.

You go to the bar; it feels like home…more than _your_ home anyway. You spot Alaric, you wonder if it's really him, you can't see clearly; there's an old man blocking your way. You take a few steps forward, now it's all clear. It is, it's Alaric…you're glad, which surprises you. Another _person_ you care about. Another _someone_ you'll disappoint at the end. Because that's what you do, you disappoint people. You're no good…you're no hero.

Klaus himself interrupts your conversation with the teacher, a few minutes later. You look at the guy and you can help but notice a bit of _you_ in _him. _The confidence you so well fake. Of course it's fake, you're nothing…you're less than nothing. But no one needs to know that, no one can know how high the crap it's standing over your head.

He talks to you like you're a kid. To him you are…you hate it. You'd like nothing more than to hit him right now, right into that over-confident face his showing,. But it's a lost battle and you can't afford that. Not for you…no; you can die this instant for all you care. But for _her_, you still haven't found a way to save her from the hell you send her yourself to. So you can't die, not _yet_.

He tells you not to screw up and he leaves. You roll your eyes at no one in particular. Alaric is right beside you…you forgot that for a moment. He's pissed at you because he knows you well enough to assume you _will_ screw up. It's your style to do just that. You explain it to him…you don't exactly know why the need to explain yourself, to him, to anyone. It doesn't matter; all it matters is that he wants to help.

An hour later you're sitting in the middle of Alaric's living room, threatening Katherine. All you need her to do is tell you where to find Klaus's werewolf. Because, like you said: no werewolf, no sacrifice. She told you and you got there in record time.

Of course the warlock had to be there. You really thought that if you move fast enough, you'll get to him before he gets to blow your brain… but of course, you _didn't_. You felt to the ground, in pain. But someone saved you. For a split second you thought it was her, she's always saving you. You looked around and saw Matt, a big shotgun in his hand, staring at you like he's seeing you for the first time. You know what that means.

Wood bullets…you think you should kill Matt, because you know he knows. He knows who you are, he represents a danger. Normally you wouldn't think twice about it, but you do…because of _her_…and you spare him because of _her_. And you hate yourself for being so weak. But she's your weakness and she knows that too. She takes advantage of it…sometimes you thing that's why she keeps you around, to take advantage of the weak spot you have because of her. But then again, you know her better than that; you know that's not how she is. She's good and kind and cares about people that don't deserve her caring.

Inside, instead of a wolf-boy-man or whatever it might've been; someone that you've never seen before; you find Tyler and Caroline. You take a good look at the blonde vampire that grew in your eyes. She'd been strong and she adapted so well. She did a better job than you ever though she'll do. You kind of admire her…but of course you rather pour vervain in your eyes than tell her that. You rush over to her side and release her hands from the chains. You release Tyler as well, because that was your plan all along, to take the wolf away from Klaus.

You watch the kid; he's in transition and his changing right before your eyes. It looks painful and for a split second you feel bad for him. You can help but think that he didn't deserve this. He rushes over to reach Caroline. You hear her scream and your protective instinct takes over. Without thinking twice you pull Tyler away from her and place him on the ground. He bits you but you act like he didn't. You are not surprised. You knew you weren't going to survive this, you didn't know when or where, but you knew you're going to die for her. It would all be worth it when she'll be safe.

Stefan calls you to let you know Klaus had taken her. You let out an unsatisfied growl and tell him you'll handle it.

For the second time that day you're in Alaric's apartment. You just want to tell that son-of-a-bitch that you'd been smarter than him. You're happiness it's short lived as he shows you he has another werewolf. It's Jules…you want to laugh at the irony, but you don't remember how.

For the first time in a long time you feel incompetent. Your brother is counting on you to save Elena; you know he is, he always is. The woman you love is going to die tonight. The people she loves are not safe. Everything…_every_thing it's wrong. And there's nothing you can do…you're lost, you're powerless, you're…_dying_….

**A/n**: I know the ending is kind of…sudden, but that's what makes sense in my head. Thank you for reading my little attempt of a story here, don't forget to review!

The next story will be from Elena's mind…her thoughts on Damon's wolf bite and the concrescence…death….

I'm also looking for a beta-reader, if anyone it's interested. I need help with spelling, tenses and vocabulary. Since English isn't my first language, I have some trouble with it. The person must be honest, get the characters and be a Damon/Elena fan. Just PM me if you want to help! Thank you! :P


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